If I were...

If I were a fruit I’d be an APPLE
If I were a day I’d be a SATURDAY
If I were a time of day I’d be JUST AFTER DAWN
If I were a planet I’d be MERCURY
If I were a sea animal I’d be A PENGUIN
If I were a direction I’d be NORTH
If I were a piece of furniture I’d be a WOODEN FILING CABINET
If I were a liquid I’d be CHAI
If I were a gem stone I’d be an AMETHYST
If I were a tree I’d be a LEMON
If I were a tool I’d be PLIERS
If I were a flower I’d be a FRANGIPANI
If I were an element of weather I’d be a SUMMER BREEZE
If I were a musical instrument I’d be a PIANO
If I were a colour I'd be PINK
If I were an emotion I’d be HAPPY/SAD/ANGRY/JOYFUL/CONTENT/HOPEFUL/DISAPPOINTED/RESIGNED/OPTIMISTIC... Basically a little bit of everything!!!
If I were a sound I’d be a HUM
If I were an element I'd be EARTH
If I were a car I’d be a VW COMBI
If I were a food I’d be CHOCOLATE
If I were a place I’d be BY THE BEACH
If I were a material I'd be PAPER
If I were a taste I’d be SWEET
If I were a scent I’d be CUT GRASS IN THE SUMMER
If I were a body part I’d be EYES
If I were a song I’d be TAINTED LOVE
If I were a bird I'd be a A SPARROW
If I were a gift I'd be WRAPPED IN BROWN PAPER AND FULL OF SURPRISES!
If I were a city I'd be LONDON
If I were a door I'd always be UNLOCKED
I were a pair of shoes I’d be COMFORTABLE
If I were a poem I would be NURSERY RHYME

And what would you be?
Originally posted by Yolanda

Lost...

I have been thinking a lot lately...
About what to do with my life, and where it is (or more to the point where it is not) heading.

I have lacked direction for some time now. So much of this centers around my work, or at least how and where I make a living. I go through stages of not liking my job, to, well, loathing it.
Right now, I am loathing it.
And it's not a good head space in which to be.

It is this attitude that finds me, on this Sunday night and most others too, dreading my return to the daily slog each Monday.

Don't get me wrong, my job is not that difficult. Frustrating at times, and boring, and lacking challenge, but rarely difficult. I like most of the people I work with, and can work reasonably well with everyone.

Mostly, I think I do a pretty good job in the role that I have. The bosses are happy (mostly), the client is happy (mostly) and my team is happy (mostly).

The thing that I find most difficult (apart from leaving of course) is having to be diplomatic at times when all I want to do is punch someone in the face. Or tell them to fuck off. And there are times that this is exactly what I want to do.

Times when I am tired of being the diplomat. Tired of being the peacekeeper. Tired of dealing with people who are only capable of whining and complaint. Just plain tired.

So, what does one do?
I need to pay the mortgage.
I need to pay my bills.
I am single (alone) and have no-one but myself on whom to rely.
Just me.
I have friends and I have family. But mostly I am in this alone.
And whilst most people's perception of me (or so I have been told) is capable and confident, I really have no idea what I am doing or where to head next.

Sometimes I just want someone to come and look after me. And help me find my way back to the path. Because I don't even know where to start.

Remembering Renee

My friend Renee died today.

In 2008 when I was grieving the loss of my brother, I was contacted by Renee via my blog and she became a friend from the very beginning. She had stage 4 inflammatory breast cancer and her blog Circling My Head told her story. With almost daily posts, she spoke of her family, her loves, her despair, her joys and her laughter. She shared openly about her condition and her life as she dealt with it's daily challenges.

She offered me hope, understanding and insight, and she offered me her love with an open heart. Although we have never met 'in the flesh' she has been an incredible friend and I will miss her as part of my life. I share the heartbreak of her family and friends. Family and friends who adore her and fellow bloggers who she has also touched.

She reached out to so many people via her posts and replied to every comment that was left on her blog. And there were many many comments. In her battle she has changed many people's lives by welcoming them into hers. We shared long emails and exchanged cards in the post (as I know she did with many others). I don't know where she found the energy, but she was always full of surprises.

During the time I have known her, Renee has had more than her share of grief. She has lost friends from her support group, her father, her nephew died of cancer, and just over a month ago, her dear mother also died from cancer. One of her sisters is also facing a similar battle. Sadly Renee has now lost her battle too. Though she will not be forgotten.

I am so so sad she is gone, though I am relieved the pain she suffered in her final weeks is now over.
Thank you Renee for everything.
Thank you for your light and joy.
All my love to you.
Cinta
xxx

The following words are from Renee's blog, that she posted in January of 2009.

"I must comfort myself with what I have always comforted myself with ‘words.’ Thank you Francis Bacon for these:

Begin
doing what
you want to do now.
We are not living in eternity.
We have only this moment, sparkling
like a star in our hand –
and melting like a
snowflake.

I remind myself that partly cloudy is partly sunny and that here on this earth right now I have been given the opportunity to live with angels. This life here and now is good and the people I am able to share my life with are good. I have to believe that this time here will not be all there is because my soul will never be full of them. My soul will yearn for them always."
Renee
Jan 26th, 2009.

*The picture above is by the beautiful friend of Renee and artist Julie-Ann Bowden of HeavenleighArt.

Thinking of you...

Thinking of you Renee and you Patty.

Sending you and your loved ones all my love and good my wishes.

Happy Valentine's Day to you.

Wishing my life away

Is it just me, or is February just flying?

Each week, as I go to work on Monday, I wish another week away. And I have to remind myself that life is far too precious to wish 5 days away out of every week. I never seem to have enough time to do the things I like to do. And yet...

Out of every 24 hours,
I sleep 8,
I work 8,
I travel to and from work 1.5,
I cook and eat 1.
I shower, wash, clean, housework 1.

That leaves 4.5 hours of every day that seems to disappear.

Where? I have no idea. But that is the key. Four and a half hours of 'spare' time every day... let's say four just to round it off. Three, if I add in a little bit of padding. And that's not even including the weekend!

What am I doing with all this free time? And if my answer is "not very much", then what an earth am I thinking?

Life (and time) is too precious to waste.

Looking good

Well, the painting is done, the furiture assembled, windows cleaned, everything organised, room aired.

Yesterday was Australia Day and I had the Monday off as well, so I've just had a lovely 4 day weekend in beautiful sunshiny weather.

Just wanted to let you know, I am still around and plan to be posting more now that I have got myself sorted.

I might even post a picture or two.
Have a good week everyone.

There is a smell of paint in the air...

Today the empty room is being painted... and while the painter works away in my soon-to-be studio, I am in my room sorting through stuff and clearing space so that I can move my desk and my computer out.

I am trying not to pace.

After he finishes, I have a friend coming over and she and I will tackle the Ikea shelves I bought on the weekend. Then move some furniture.

There is much to do.

It's Wednesday. I have the day off. Tomorrow I am back at work, and I know I will want to be here, but I will just have to (continue to) be patient.

Breathe 1, 2, 3...

It's time...

The packing is nearly done.
By Friday I will be living alone again.
Windows will be opened wide.
Surfaces dusted & cleaned.
Floors and windows will shine.
There will be a big clear out.
Cupboards and drawers emptied.
Reorganised.
The room will be painted.
Shelves assembled.
Desk moved in.
Computer set up.
Furniture rearranged.
A lazy chair.
Easel propped.
Paints dusted off.

My bedroom will be my bedroom.
My studio will be my studio.
My home will be my home.

I'm a bit excited.

It's been coming for a while now. The panic, the frustration, the tears

And you ask me tonight if there is anything wrong, and I struggle not to lose it right then and there and scream and rant and stamp my feet... And although I try to hide them, you see my tears. So let me explain.

It's been coming for a while now. The panic, the frustration, the tears...

The 19th of October you told me about moving in with your brother. And from that day, the 'countdown' began. But the countdown (which relied on your brother joining the army), didn't actually have a date and so it was more a waiting game. And in the meantime, everything was been put on hold.

And this has been driving me crazy for a number of reasons, things you didn't know or maybe haven't considered...

When A and I broke up, I took the same approach with him as I have with you... I left it to him to decide when to move out. I made no decisions to suit me, just let him get on with it. (sounding familiar). It took him over 6 months to collect all of his stuff after we had shared our bed for the final time and he moved in with his new girlfriend. Six long months. And when he finally did move out properly, it took me a loooong time to recover. To get accustomed to being on my own and standing on my own 2 feet. To being happy in my own company and beginning to do things I wanted to do. It was recovery time I needed, and whilst I do not regret it, I know it was a difficult time.

You would have thought I would have learned last time. But this time I have made the same mistakes and allowed the control to be taken out of my hands. But this time, it's feeling harder.

Back then, girlfriends helped me through and family also stood by me and held me close. My brother and his girlfriend in particular, became my best friends when A no longer took that space.

I told them first that he and I were over and they listened as I cried and told them how I couldn't expect him to stay in a relationship where he didn't feel the same as me any more. They were the ones that I hung out with on weekends when I didn't want to spend another moment alone. They were the ones that saw what I was going through, whilst others thought I was OK and told me how they thought I was so so strong and good natured about it all. They were good company. The best.

And now they are gone. My brother taken by cancer, and his girlfriend who I haven't spoken to for a year is lost now too. And so, as I face being alone again, my heart aches even more for the fact that they are not here and I feel even more lost. The friends who helped me through last time have their own hurdles to jump right now. One is struggling in her relationship, another facing a battle with cancer in the family. Another friend is having health issues of her own... And I can hardly keep landing on Mum and Dad's door every weekend if I want to get on with my life, nor do I want to - for their sake and mine.

And so, you moving out is something that I want desperately, but also something that I dread. Because this time, I am even more aware of how alone I am.

As I have begun to prepare myself for it, you have continued to get on with your life... (met a few girls) and now it sounds like you and M are both very happy, I am genuinely happy for you both. But you being 'distracted' is delaying the move (or it seems that way to me) as all your focus is now on M.

And whilst you have not been rubbing my nose in it, well not intentionally at least, you have in ways which you may not have been aware of...
In changing your status to "in a relationship" within the first week of meeting M. (it comes up on my facebook when friends change their status)
In the facebook entry by M saying she is ridiculously happy. (which I saw when I went to see your new status - don't worry, I am not stalking you or her)
In me looking at my history in Safari on my computer and seeing a number of searches for engagement and wedding rings.
A blog post with fireworks...
And whilst I am pleased for you, I'm wanting you to focus more on getting out of here, not devoting your entire time to a new relationship.

Because as you continue to do your thing, I have been in holding mode. Waiting for the time for me to start 'getting on with it' myself. And instead of it being like a band-aid being torn off nice and quick, the band-aid has been peeled off slowly, re-stuck once or twice and then pulled off slowly again. It has been a painful process for me, waiting and watching as you put everything else first but me and giving me back my space.

Are you starting to understand? Because really, I don't think you could have, even though you say you did. Maybe now you will understand why I have been a little edgy. A little snappy. And I hate myself for that too, because it upsets to me and you too. And that makes me feel bad. And I want to feel good again.

I deserve that don't I?