He's moving out...

Everything is on hold as I wait for him to pack, load his stuff into a truck, hug me good-bye and leave my home.

It's been a long time coming. And I have waited for him to decide, not wanting to be the one to push him out. Not wanting to be the bad guy. And in the meantime, putting my needs to the bottom of the pile. But finally he has made the decision and it is happening. And whilst I am glad we are still friends, it is time.

I am glad he is moving out.
Glad to be reclaiming my space.
Glad to make my home my home again.
Glad to be able to stretch and breathe.
To walk naked around my flat if I choose.

I get agitated by chaos and for the last few months in particular it's been getting worse and worse as I have not been bothered to tidy and do only the minimum cleaning. And I have been getting more and more agitated. So, it's good that he is moving out. For my sake. And his.

His room (my front/spare room) will become my studio. And finally the excuses I have been finding will be invalid and I will have to begin. Begin again my creative journey.

I had hoped he would be out by Christmas so I could make a new start in line with the new year. Now it will be mid Jan. And then I will have a major clear out, a huge clean, reorganise my stuff and move some furniture. A bit like therapy really.

It's time to start over.

Change in the air

I had a BBQ today with some friends from work. It was a good crowd. A small group, but the people I like the most. During the day, conversations inevitably turned to work. The frustrations, the joys, the boredom. I told them I wanted to go part time next year. I have been thinking it for sometime now, but it has not been discussed. I think it took a few people by surprise.

I need air. Space. Time.

I want to job share. Work 3 days a week. Take off 2. It's an ideal balance for me. It's what I did in the first half of 2008. For the 2 days away from my work, I studied art. Studied is an odd term here, because the truth is, I immersed myself in it. And I loved it. I was motivated to continue. Keen to retain the momentum and continue to expand my creative life. It was like a different life and it worked beautifully.

When my brother died last year, I could not imagine what life could now hold. I felt the pain of every day without him and knew I was in no state to make any decisions as to where my life was heading. Knowing I needed change, but not sure how or when to implement it. And so I set into a daily routine to get myself through. I didn't know then what I wanted. And I still don't.

But I do know I need air and I need change.
To me there is nothing more certain than this.

Life is too short. Too short and too precious to be living a life that is exhausted by a job that bores me. And so, right now, to get the space and the air I need, I want to go back to part time. Somehow. I am not sure how. But somehow I know it is what I need to do. To rebalance and to start seeing more clearly again.

One year

Yesterday marked one year since my brother died.

Every day I think of him.
I love him and miss him.

Every
Single
Day