And you ask me tonight if there is anything wrong, and I struggle not to lose it right then and there and scream and rant and stamp my feet... And although I try to hide them, you see my tears. So let me explain.
It's been coming for a while now. The panic, the frustration, the tears...
The 19th of October you told me about moving in with your brother. And from that day, the 'countdown' began. But the countdown (which relied on your brother joining the army), didn't actually have a date and so it was more a waiting game. And in the meantime, everything was been put on hold.
And this has been driving me crazy for a number of reasons, things you didn't know or maybe haven't considered...
When A and I broke up, I took the same approach with him as I have with you... I left it to him to decide when to move out. I made no decisions to suit me, just let him get on with it. (sounding familiar). It took him over 6 months to collect all of his stuff after we had shared our bed for the final time and he moved in with his new girlfriend. Six long months. And when he finally did move out properly, it took me a loooong time to recover. To get accustomed to being on my own and standing on my own 2 feet. To being happy in my own company and beginning to do things I wanted to do. It was recovery time I needed, and whilst I do not regret it, I know it was a difficult time.
You would have thought I would have learned last time. But this time I have made the same mistakes and allowed the control to be taken out of my hands. But this time, it's feeling harder.
Back then, girlfriends helped me through and family also stood by me and held me close. My brother and his girlfriend in particular, became my best friends when A no longer took that space.
I told them first that he and I were over and they listened as I cried and told them how I couldn't expect him to stay in a relationship where he didn't feel the same as me any more. They were the ones that I hung out with on weekends when I didn't want to spend another moment alone. They were the ones that saw what I was going through, whilst others thought I was OK and told me how they thought I was so so strong and good natured about it all. They were good company. The best.
And now they are gone. My brother taken by cancer, and his girlfriend who I haven't spoken to for a year is lost now too. And so, as I face being alone again, my heart aches even more for the fact that they are not here and I feel even more lost. The friends who helped me through last time have their own hurdles to jump right now. One is struggling in her relationship, another facing a battle with cancer in the family. Another friend is having health issues of her own... And I can hardly keep landing on Mum and Dad's door every weekend if I want to get on with my life, nor do I want to - for their sake and mine.
And so, you moving out is something that I want desperately, but also something that I dread. Because this time, I am even more aware of how alone I am.
As I have begun to prepare myself for it, you have continued to get on with your life... (met a few girls) and now it sounds like you and M are both very happy, I am genuinely happy for you both. But you being 'distracted' is delaying the move (or it seems that way to me) as all your focus is now on M.
And whilst you have not been rubbing my nose in it, well not intentionally at least, you have in ways which you may not have been aware of...
In changing your status to "in a relationship" within the first week of meeting M. (it comes up on my facebook when friends change their status)
In the facebook entry by M saying she is ridiculously happy. (which I saw when I went to see your new status - don't worry, I am not stalking you or her)
In me looking at my history in Safari on my computer and seeing a number of searches for engagement and wedding rings.
A blog post with fireworks...
And whilst I am pleased for you, I'm wanting you to focus more on getting out of here, not devoting your entire time to a new relationship.
Because as you continue to do your thing, I have been in holding mode. Waiting for the time for me to start 'getting on with it' myself. And instead of it being like a band-aid being torn off nice and quick, the band-aid has been peeled off slowly, re-stuck once or twice and then pulled off slowly again. It has been a painful process for me, waiting and watching as you put everything else first but me and giving me back my space.
Are you starting to understand? Because really, I don't think you could have, even though you say you did. Maybe now you will understand why I have been a little edgy. A little snappy. And I hate myself for that too, because it upsets to me and you too. And that makes me feel bad. And I want to feel good again.
I deserve that don't I?
