There are days when it's hard to breathe.

There are days,
when the air is still
when tears burn in my eyes
and my throat is tight
when he fills my constant thoughts
when I can't get the pictures of those last hours out of my head
when I feel guilty that I am laughing
when the elephant sits on my chest
and it's impossible to breathe.

There are days
that I know that he is gone.

Sometimes
I convince myself
that it isn't real.

That he is still at home,
that I will see him on the weekend
that he will smile when I arrive to visit
and he will welcome me into his home
that we will sit outside in the sun
and chat about nothing and about everything
that I can call him for directions when I get lost or I am stuck in traffic
that I can ask him for advice
that he will stand beside me and my eldest brother
and we will support one another
when we bury our parents one sad day

But
It's all a charade.

Deep down I know.
I know, even though I don't like to admit it.
I know he is gone.
I know, because my heart aches every single moment of every single day.