Can you still be friends with your ex?

A couple of nights ago I caught up with my ex boyfriend (a different one from my previous post). My ex boyfriend. Ex fiance. Ex lover. We have known each other for just under 20 years and for 14 of those we lived and loved together.

We met in London when I was 22.

I returned to Australia without him about 4 years later, and, quickly realising my mistake, applied for residency and returned. After 8 years in the UK, we returned to Australia together in 1996. We settled nicely into being 'home', and my family welcomed him warmly into their lives.

We had been together for 14 years when we broke up in 2004. On the whole, it was his decision, though in hindsight I see there were problems. He said he had lost his identity. That he didn't feel the same way anymore. That he wasn't happy. I have often said since that if he wasn't happy then it meant we weren't happy and neither of us wanted a relationship like that.

Maybe we could have worked harder and still been together, but neither of us really knew how to save ourselves. By the end we were both exhausted and he moved out leaving me very much lost and alone.

And yet, though all of this, through what was a difficult time, many of which I felt alone and down, I learned to live more strongly. To stand on my own two feet. To (for want of a better phrase) find myself again. And I am grateful for that. I spent the next 18 months without a partner and didn't even think about fitting another relationship into my life. It was a time of recovery.

You see, after being with him for so so long, I didn't really know myself any more either. Like him, I had lost my identity too. I just didn't realise it when we were together! It took a long time to get accustomed to being single again and more importantly to find out what it was to be me again. Knowing now how important that is, it was a mistake I will not make again.

I still love him, of that there is no doubt. We grew up together and we share much of our history. Even now we know each other like few others. I miss that deep understanding that doesn't exist in a new relationship... an understanding of each other, so deep that often explanations are not required.

When we broke up, he moved in with a girl from his work and they are still together. Are they happy? Was it the right decision? Are they suited? Is he happy? I don't know really. And to be honest, it's none of my business.

Let me be clear. I am not a threat to his current partnership. I don't want to be with him again. I don't believe we are 'right' for each other. But his friendship and our love for each other (yes, I believe he still loves me too) is still strong. And that means so so much. He will always be a part of me and my life and his friendship means everything.

I have been told our continued friendship is not the norm. That people do not normally remain friends after a break-up. For me however, the answer is yes. You can still be friends with your ex. For me it is an important part of my life that I don't want to lose simply because we no longer share a bed and a home.

I hope that we continue to be friends for our remaining days.