It's time...

The packing is nearly done.
By Friday I will be living alone again.
Windows will be opened wide.
Surfaces dusted & cleaned.
Floors and windows will shine.
There will be a big clear out.
Cupboards and drawers emptied.
Reorganised.
The room will be painted.
Shelves assembled.
Desk moved in.
Computer set up.
Furniture rearranged.
A lazy chair.
Easel propped.
Paints dusted off.

My bedroom will be my bedroom.
My studio will be my studio.
My home will be my home.

I'm a bit excited.

It's been coming for a while now. The panic, the frustration, the tears

And you ask me tonight if there is anything wrong, and I struggle not to lose it right then and there and scream and rant and stamp my feet... And although I try to hide them, you see my tears. So let me explain.

It's been coming for a while now. The panic, the frustration, the tears...

The 19th of October you told me about moving in with your brother. And from that day, the 'countdown' began. But the countdown (which relied on your brother joining the army), didn't actually have a date and so it was more a waiting game. And in the meantime, everything was been put on hold.

And this has been driving me crazy for a number of reasons, things you didn't know or maybe haven't considered...

When A and I broke up, I took the same approach with him as I have with you... I left it to him to decide when to move out. I made no decisions to suit me, just let him get on with it. (sounding familiar). It took him over 6 months to collect all of his stuff after we had shared our bed for the final time and he moved in with his new girlfriend. Six long months. And when he finally did move out properly, it took me a loooong time to recover. To get accustomed to being on my own and standing on my own 2 feet. To being happy in my own company and beginning to do things I wanted to do. It was recovery time I needed, and whilst I do not regret it, I know it was a difficult time.

You would have thought I would have learned last time. But this time I have made the same mistakes and allowed the control to be taken out of my hands. But this time, it's feeling harder.

Back then, girlfriends helped me through and family also stood by me and held me close. My brother and his girlfriend in particular, became my best friends when A no longer took that space.

I told them first that he and I were over and they listened as I cried and told them how I couldn't expect him to stay in a relationship where he didn't feel the same as me any more. They were the ones that I hung out with on weekends when I didn't want to spend another moment alone. They were the ones that saw what I was going through, whilst others thought I was OK and told me how they thought I was so so strong and good natured about it all. They were good company. The best.

And now they are gone. My brother taken by cancer, and his girlfriend who I haven't spoken to for a year is lost now too. And so, as I face being alone again, my heart aches even more for the fact that they are not here and I feel even more lost. The friends who helped me through last time have their own hurdles to jump right now. One is struggling in her relationship, another facing a battle with cancer in the family. Another friend is having health issues of her own... And I can hardly keep landing on Mum and Dad's door every weekend if I want to get on with my life, nor do I want to - for their sake and mine.

And so, you moving out is something that I want desperately, but also something that I dread. Because this time, I am even more aware of how alone I am.

As I have begun to prepare myself for it, you have continued to get on with your life... (met a few girls) and now it sounds like you and M are both very happy, I am genuinely happy for you both. But you being 'distracted' is delaying the move (or it seems that way to me) as all your focus is now on M.

And whilst you have not been rubbing my nose in it, well not intentionally at least, you have in ways which you may not have been aware of...
In changing your status to "in a relationship" within the first week of meeting M. (it comes up on my facebook when friends change their status)
In the facebook entry by M saying she is ridiculously happy. (which I saw when I went to see your new status - don't worry, I am not stalking you or her)
In me looking at my history in Safari on my computer and seeing a number of searches for engagement and wedding rings.
A blog post with fireworks...
And whilst I am pleased for you, I'm wanting you to focus more on getting out of here, not devoting your entire time to a new relationship.

Because as you continue to do your thing, I have been in holding mode. Waiting for the time for me to start 'getting on with it' myself. And instead of it being like a band-aid being torn off nice and quick, the band-aid has been peeled off slowly, re-stuck once or twice and then pulled off slowly again. It has been a painful process for me, waiting and watching as you put everything else first but me and giving me back my space.

Are you starting to understand? Because really, I don't think you could have, even though you say you did. Maybe now you will understand why I have been a little edgy. A little snappy. And I hate myself for that too, because it upsets to me and you too. And that makes me feel bad. And I want to feel good again.

I deserve that don't I?

He's moving out...

Everything is on hold as I wait for him to pack, load his stuff into a truck, hug me good-bye and leave my home.

It's been a long time coming. And I have waited for him to decide, not wanting to be the one to push him out. Not wanting to be the bad guy. And in the meantime, putting my needs to the bottom of the pile. But finally he has made the decision and it is happening. And whilst I am glad we are still friends, it is time.

I am glad he is moving out.
Glad to be reclaiming my space.
Glad to make my home my home again.
Glad to be able to stretch and breathe.
To walk naked around my flat if I choose.

I get agitated by chaos and for the last few months in particular it's been getting worse and worse as I have not been bothered to tidy and do only the minimum cleaning. And I have been getting more and more agitated. So, it's good that he is moving out. For my sake. And his.

His room (my front/spare room) will become my studio. And finally the excuses I have been finding will be invalid and I will have to begin. Begin again my creative journey.

I had hoped he would be out by Christmas so I could make a new start in line with the new year. Now it will be mid Jan. And then I will have a major clear out, a huge clean, reorganise my stuff and move some furniture. A bit like therapy really.

It's time to start over.

Can you still be friends with your ex?

A couple of nights ago I caught up with my ex boyfriend (a different one from my previous post). My ex boyfriend. Ex fiance. Ex lover. We have known each other for just under 20 years and for 14 of those we lived and loved together.

We met in London when I was 22.

I returned to Australia without him about 4 years later, and, quickly realising my mistake, applied for residency and returned. After 8 years in the UK, we returned to Australia together in 1996. We settled nicely into being 'home', and my family welcomed him warmly into their lives.

We had been together for 14 years when we broke up in 2004. On the whole, it was his decision, though in hindsight I see there were problems. He said he had lost his identity. That he didn't feel the same way anymore. That he wasn't happy. I have often said since that if he wasn't happy then it meant we weren't happy and neither of us wanted a relationship like that.

Maybe we could have worked harder and still been together, but neither of us really knew how to save ourselves. By the end we were both exhausted and he moved out leaving me very much lost and alone.

And yet, though all of this, through what was a difficult time, many of which I felt alone and down, I learned to live more strongly. To stand on my own two feet. To (for want of a better phrase) find myself again. And I am grateful for that. I spent the next 18 months without a partner and didn't even think about fitting another relationship into my life. It was a time of recovery.

You see, after being with him for so so long, I didn't really know myself any more either. Like him, I had lost my identity too. I just didn't realise it when we were together! It took a long time to get accustomed to being single again and more importantly to find out what it was to be me again. Knowing now how important that is, it was a mistake I will not make again.

I still love him, of that there is no doubt. We grew up together and we share much of our history. Even now we know each other like few others. I miss that deep understanding that doesn't exist in a new relationship... an understanding of each other, so deep that often explanations are not required.

When we broke up, he moved in with a girl from his work and they are still together. Are they happy? Was it the right decision? Are they suited? Is he happy? I don't know really. And to be honest, it's none of my business.

Let me be clear. I am not a threat to his current partnership. I don't want to be with him again. I don't believe we are 'right' for each other. But his friendship and our love for each other (yes, I believe he still loves me too) is still strong. And that means so so much. He will always be a part of me and my life and his friendship means everything.

I have been told our continued friendship is not the norm. That people do not normally remain friends after a break-up. For me however, the answer is yes. You can still be friends with your ex. For me it is an important part of my life that I don't want to lose simply because we no longer share a bed and a home.

I hope that we continue to be friends for our remaining days.

I know I should kick him out, but I don't know how...

I live with my ex boyfriend. We met three years ago and he moved in six months later. It was too soon for him to move in, and whilst I knew it at the time, history will show that it happened despite my concerns.

We continue to live together even though we broke up last September... 12 months ago. We share a flat, but not a bedroom, and he is now seeing someone else. It is a 'complicated' situation and one that is, and isn't working, for a number of reasons. Mostly it isn't. For me in any case.

I had tried to 'call it a day' the previous Christmas and he had gone into meltdown and I had softened. I agreed to keep on trying, despite the fact I knew it wasn't working.

And then at the end of June, my brother was diagnosed with cancer and life was thrown into chaos. It was a blow from which I will never ever recover. I have always known life is far too short, that there is much to do in a limited time. It merely confirmed what I already knew.

As cancer invaded our lives, everything changed.

Things that had seemed important before, meant nothing. Family quite clearly was priority. To say I was shattered is an understatement. Watching my brother succumb to the brutality of cancer broke my heart and it will never be repaired.

At the same time, it confirmed something else I already knew: that by staying in a relationship that was making us both unhappy, I was living a lie. And so, in September, we had 'the talk' and it was over.

I crave my own space and whilst it's 12 months since we broke up, my ex is still here. I can even justify why... the rent money is nice... I can split the bills... he picked me up on a number of occasions as my world was crumbling about me... he can't afford a place on his own... he is a good person...

And yet honestly, I do need my own space. I need space to grieve on my own, space to try to pick up the pieces and space to begin creating again.

I need him to move on so that we can both get on with our lives. I'm just not sure how to make that happen. And whilst he stays and I remain silent, I can blame him and his lack of action, when in reality I should be blaming my own indecision and weakness.