I have been thinking a lot lately...About what to do with my life, and where it is (or more to the point where it is not) heading.
I have lacked direction for some time now. So much of this centers around my work, or at least how and where I make a living. I go through stages of not liking my job, to, well, loathing it.
Right now, I am loathing it.
And it's not a good head space in which to be.
It is this attitude that finds me, on this Sunday night and most others too, dreading my return to the daily slog each Monday.
Don't get me wrong, my job is not that difficult. Frustrating at times, and boring, and lacking challenge, but rarely difficult. I like most of the people I work with, and can work reasonably well with everyone.
Mostly, I think I do a pretty good job in the role that I have. The bosses are happy (mostly), the client is happy (mostly) and my team is happy (mostly).
The thing that I find most difficult (apart from leaving of course) is having to be diplomatic at times when all I want to do is punch someone in the face. Or tell them to fuck off. And there are times that this is exactly what I want to do.
Times when I am tired of being the diplomat. Tired of being the peacekeeper. Tired of dealing with people who are only capable of whining and complaint. Just plain tired.
So, what does one do?
I need to pay the mortgage.
I need to pay my bills.
I am single (alone) and have no-one but myself on whom to rely.
Just me.
I have friends and I have family. But mostly I am in this alone.
And whilst most people's perception of me (or so I have been told) is capable and confident, I really have no idea what I am doing or where to head next.
Sometimes I just want someone to come and look after me. And help me find my way back to the path. Because I don't even know where to start.
